A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can`t ma...

10. A Christmas tree doesn`t care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past. 9. Christmas trees don`t get mad if you use exotic electrical devices. 8. A Christmas tree doesn`t care if you have an artificial one in the closet. 7. A Christmas tree doesn`t ge...

1. They like the words. 2. Girls, at times, think that the "words" are important. 3. They can brag to their friends that they got him to do it. 4. It makes them feel all tingly to hear it. 5. Commitment/Power *evil grin* 6. He ain`t gettin ANY unless he does. 7. It makes up ...

There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don`t know." At that time he hears his mom calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to h...

1.Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. 2.At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. 3.Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. ...

1. They start paying everyone in sea shells. 2. The Dairy Queen on the corner is threatening a hostile takeover. 3. When you say, "See you tomorrow," the watchman laughs uncontrollably. 4. The chairman walks by your desk and says, "Hey, Hey! Easy on the staples!" 5. The...

"Doctor, I have an ear ache." 2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root." 1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer." 1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion." 1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill." 1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, tak...

MALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Wind down your car window 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt 6. Wind up window 7. Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to ca...

The father was reading the school-report which had just been handed to him by his hopeful son. His brow was wrathful as he read: "English, poor, Franch, weak, mathematics, fair," and he gave a glance of disgust at the quaking lad. "Well, dad." said the son, "it is not as good as it might bem, ...

A:When do people talk least? B: In February. A: Why? B: Because February is the shortest month of a year.

Once there was 3 girls. A blonde, red head and a burrnet. They were swimming from one island to another which is about 10 miles. Then they slept there for 10 nights. Then the red head got tried of the burrnet and the blonde, and she left. The next day the burrnet left and then the blonde got lon...

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many ha...

Patient : How much to have this tooth pulled? Dentist : $90.00. Patient : $90.00 for just a few minutes work??? Dentist : I can extract it very slowly if you like.

Teacher: "Where were u born?" Student: "Singapore, Sir." Teacher: "Which part?" Student: "All of me, Sir."

Teacher: "How do u think Shakespeare wrote such master pieces?" College student: "With a pencil, maam, either a 2B or not 2B."

Dad : "Son, how can you call your aunt stupid? Go and say sorry to her" Son : (goes over to the aunt) "Aunt, I am sorry you are stupid.

It is my sad duty to report that the Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker,...

IN PRISON..you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK..you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON..you get three meals a day. AT WORK..you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON..you get time off for good behavio...

"How many can you afford?" It only takes one to change your bulb...to his. Two. One to change it and one to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection!" Three. One to do it and two to sue him for malpractice. Three. One to turn the bulb, one to shake him...

There was a blonde that was so sick of blonde jokes she died her hair red. The jokes stopped and she felt so good, she took a ride in the country one Saturday afternoon. While on this ride, she noticed a flock of sheep and stopped the car to take in their beauty. She noticed the farmer just standing...